exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize