The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
this just has baby written all over it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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