You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
