just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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