the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
