We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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