dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
