Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
barbara walters just said penis...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
