Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
