I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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