her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
