look no pants
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
