And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
