Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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