why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
