I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
