Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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