Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
