I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize