I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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