Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
