Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
