I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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