Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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