Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
