You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
They took my balls.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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