we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
