I met the friendliest cop last night
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
