Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
