I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Can you bring me the toilet please
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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