I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
