I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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