So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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