you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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