By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
