Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
