i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I can't turn off my feet"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
