his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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