i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
