I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
