Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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