Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
