Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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