i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize