Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
