The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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