Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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