so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
did i just pee glitter
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