i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
