Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
