I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
