his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
