found the other keg... it's in the tree
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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