Apparently you make a good broom.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
