I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
