ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
