I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize