yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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